Gifts & Curses Novel!

Need some major support for this guys! Most of you know that I am attempting to make a book out of my gifts and curses universe and I am going to need some major help! At the moment, title help and tone editing are needed!

At the moment I need help developing a smooth writing style and any advice is appreciated!

Current Intro:

Morning sunlight filters through the vent above, glinting off specks as they float in the damp air. The monotonous dripping of tepid water is accompanied by the distant sound of the city coming to life. A faint shuffling echoes through the undercity tunnels as people wake.

“T-Talos?” a young girls voice calls out as she sits up, blinking the sleep from her eyes. Bryn peers down the vacant tunnel, slumping when she doesn’t see her brother. The dim morning light seems to vanish against the grime-covered walls, leaving her in the dark. The mark on her hand is concealed only for a moment as she again [lays] down and listens to the hum of the street above.

“Oy! Watch where you’re goin’!” a man calls in a harsh tone as he nearly loses his balance. A young postboy topples to the ground, a few telegrams falling around him.

“S-sorry, sir! Won’t happen again!” Talos scrambles to his feet, snatching the fallen letters. He hurries away, shuddering. “Curse me if I don’t finish this route in time…” he turns another corner and looks at his crumpled schedule, whispering to himself, “9379 Juniper.” He looks up at the apartment before him. Its stained glass windows adorned with immaculate flower boxes. An ivory frame surrounds a large door that shimmers like glass. Talos takes a deep breath and taps lightly on the door.

An older woman answers with a frown. Her unpleasant expression turns to a scowl when she sees the mark on his hand, “What do you want, Arid?”

“T-Telegram for a Ms. Canter!” Talos leans in a slight bow as he presents the letter. She snatches it quickly and abruptly shuts the door. The force of it causing him to jump back. Without wasting another moment, he speeds off to his next delivery.

Lol, thanks striker! Got any critiquing?

Nothing other than words of praise and excitement. I sort of need to ride the roller coaster of excitement down to where I can start seeing it as a normal book rather than one kickass project being made of some awesome IP.

Wow! Thank you so much I am literally so excited!

Riding the hype train B)

UUUUUGH I CAN't DO THISSSS

How is it coming?

It's alright, I'm doing a lot of world building

Keep at it. Have fun. And don't fall off a cliff.

Thanks lol

Here is something you may find helpful. There is a section on fiction writing and what not.
http://www.dailywritingtips.com/

Question. If a Chrono found "the one", as it were. Would their powers react to make time literally stop or would it do something else?

Hmmm, let me figure that one out

So?

I'm thinking the chemical reactions in the brain would speed up and therefor be more intense, while time would only slow down if the Chrono wanted it to, which I imagine that most would.

Makes sense.

Logi has become Loginn? Logan?.... Only because many uneducated people have expressed the confusion: "Loki? Like, Thor's brother?...... OH Lo-gi!... What kind of a name is that?" -_-

"Login? Like Logging in?"

Dammit.... How did I not even notice that *facebrick* (i was thinking a clever way to spell Logan)

Logan Volucris..... There we go

I am so excited! *sings* Story Development!!!!

BLARRRGFFDPOOPSICKLES! >.< TOO MANY IDEAS

So how's the story coming along?